Total calm and peace with the sun breaking through the fog.

Where did we go wrong?

I could sum this whole post up in one word, Teenagers. How do you get to a point were you can't remember what your child used to be like. The cute little boy who wore daddy's cowboy boots and hat, who you rocked to sleep on a pillow sitting in the recliner, who used to run at you with open arms wanting a huge hug. The adorable little face with the large blue eyes with the longest lashes who had a love for kitty cats...well, at least he still loves kitty cats. Loving his parents is completely unheard of, and appreciating them is no where in his mindset, probably can't even fathom it in his life time right now. You try not to let it consume you, but the anger builds with each sharp sarcasm, with each ignored word. The urge to wrap his mouth in duct tape and let it sit there until it sticks all gummy to his little peach fuzz...yes, that would be satisfying.
What did life used to be like, when we were normal? It feels like an eternity ago. I can't imagine going through this 2 more times. God, please don't let the other 2 become this way, I may not survive it.

Getting to the end

It is amazing how life can throw so much at you that it feels like arrows whizzing by your head. I find that I can handle a lot of things at one time, but you just never know when you're going to crash and burn or someone else that is part of all the frustration. You never want it to go to the next level, but somehow it gets out of your control and before you know it, it's as bad as you were afraid of.
I started out my life wanting so much more for myself than I had ever gotten as a child. It has driven me to always go forward, not back. I think it's important to change the cycle if the cycle is unacceptable. That one thing has done me well, and I think if always will. My dilemma is in seeing it start in my own child. Trying with every ounce of wisdom that you can to keep them from making that big mistake. The desperateness you feel is immeasurable. It's overpowering.
You feel like you are drowning, without water. Your heart aches unbelievable, and tears just appear when you don't realize it. All you want it a hug or a reassuring word that things will change and you will see the child before you that ran around in his Daddy's boots and hat as a little boy.