Total calm and peace with the sun breaking through the fog.

Where did we go wrong?

I could sum this whole post up in one word, Teenagers. How do you get to a point were you can't remember what your child used to be like. The cute little boy who wore daddy's cowboy boots and hat, who you rocked to sleep on a pillow sitting in the recliner, who used to run at you with open arms wanting a huge hug. The adorable little face with the large blue eyes with the longest lashes who had a love for kitty cats...well, at least he still loves kitty cats. Loving his parents is completely unheard of, and appreciating them is no where in his mindset, probably can't even fathom it in his life time right now. You try not to let it consume you, but the anger builds with each sharp sarcasm, with each ignored word. The urge to wrap his mouth in duct tape and let it sit there until it sticks all gummy to his little peach fuzz...yes, that would be satisfying.
What did life used to be like, when we were normal? It feels like an eternity ago. I can't imagine going through this 2 more times. God, please don't let the other 2 become this way, I may not survive it.

Getting to the end

It is amazing how life can throw so much at you that it feels like arrows whizzing by your head. I find that I can handle a lot of things at one time, but you just never know when you're going to crash and burn or someone else that is part of all the frustration. You never want it to go to the next level, but somehow it gets out of your control and before you know it, it's as bad as you were afraid of.
I started out my life wanting so much more for myself than I had ever gotten as a child. It has driven me to always go forward, not back. I think it's important to change the cycle if the cycle is unacceptable. That one thing has done me well, and I think if always will. My dilemma is in seeing it start in my own child. Trying with every ounce of wisdom that you can to keep them from making that big mistake. The desperateness you feel is immeasurable. It's overpowering.
You feel like you are drowning, without water. Your heart aches unbelievable, and tears just appear when you don't realize it. All you want it a hug or a reassuring word that things will change and you will see the child before you that ran around in his Daddy's boots and hat as a little boy.

gettin there

Everyone says that the biggest challenge for a couple is to build a house. I can say that's true, but working on this with my husband has been a good experience thus far. The true goal stays in our minds, while the workload tends to wear us out. Just grabbing a few minutes of letting your mind "relax" in a day is probably the biggest hurdle. Before you know it everynight it is 10pm and you've only just sat down. It does take the dedication of us all to get this task done, even the children....who don't necessarily want to dedicate the time, let alone their sweat. I so look forward to getting the house complete, where I can sip coffee on the front porch, and enjoy the sunsets in the evenings. Home...that's a great word.

almost real

Well, I think the time has finally come when we will begin the house. It has been a long wait, and I hope it will all be worth it, when we can finally have a place to call home again. Stay tuned for me exciting updates from the crazy world of "building your own house"!!

The Plan

Well- we made a big step forward, we have decided on a plan and actually ordered it. We are so anxiously awaiting the arrival next week. It's almost as exciting as expecting a child. I'm going to love, coddle it, protect it, nuture it........We hope this is the space that will work for now, that will work in the future, and the space that won't be too much for us to handle in the rocking chair or wheel chair years! But we'll have to wait for those days to approach. Yesterday, I spent a couple of hours being gate keeper as we had road base delivered. A mighty slow process! I wasn't smart enough to bring a good book, but did accomplish a little sun to my bright white sticks I call my legs. Nothing noticable, but will work on that layering effect, as I plan to be in shorts on the tractor spreading said base all weekend :), and you know Texas, we could get snow in February or it could be 90 degrees and climbing for the rest of the summer, which here happens to be about Nov-Dec. See our plan> http://www.familyhomeplans.com/plan_details.cfm?PlanNumber=45440&src=search